Not Again!!!

I can't believe my luck. I am not sure if it is fate I should be mad at or my body. I am so tired of my body failing me.

I only have one leg that works and that one isn't too good. Before my fall my left leg was my bad leg. I have had trouble with it since I was 15 yrs old . I don't even want to tell you how long ago that was. I tore cartilage while dancing. (When ever I tell anyone that they think ballet, jazz, tapp etc. No, I did mine while just plain regular dancing while a band was playing). Ever since then I have had trouble. I have had 9 surgeries on it over the years. One of those surgeries was a knee reconstruction surgery. I was doing pretty good with it until I fell 10 yrs ago. Before that I was able to baby it. Put as little stress on it as possible. Now it has to take all my weight and all the abuse. It is showing signs of giving up, saying enough, I've had it. My knee has gotten to the point that if I stand for any length of time it will dislocate. I can't tell you how painful that is especially since I can't take my weight off it when it happens. As painful as it is to stand on a leg that is dislocated it is 100X more painful to stand on the leg with rsd.

The other day all I was doing was sitting in my recliner (my place to live, watch TV, even sleep), I went to move my leg and pain shot all the way up to my thigh. I did it again! I dislocated it. Like I said I have been dealing with this for many, many years and I have had many, many surgeries for it. I know when it is just a dislocation and when there is more damage inside. Well, I have more damage inside. I know I tore whatever catilage is left, up.

I have been putting up with the pain for 2 weeks now hoping that with time it will calm down so that it is at least livable. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!! I know I need to see a dr but here is the problem. I only trust 2 ortho dr's I have ever seen. The first is my dr since my problems began. He was the one to listen when the worker's comp dr's said there was nothing wrong. He knew that the knee needed reconstructive surgery. He was the one when after the operation I wasn't healing right diagnosed me with rsd and sent me to a specialist. He didn't say "it's all in your head","you just don't want to work" or my all time favorite "you just have a low tolerance to pain" (which by the way I freaked on the last dr to tell me that. I yelled "I have had 2 kids by natural child birth. No epidurals. I was working when my appendix was rupturing, after my surgery for my appendix I was back to work and night school in less than a week. Don't tell me that I have a low tolerance to pain!!!"). I changed dr's a few times over the years because my insurance doesn't cover this dr anymore. After some very bad tries I hit pay dirt with the second ortho dr I trust. He has taken care of me for the last 3yrs. Now he isn't on our insurance anymore either. I don't want to go looking for another ortho dr. I only have one leg left. If I lose the use of this leg due to a dr that is less than great than I am in a wheelchair all the time. My house can't accommodate that. I am in real trouble here. I could go out of network, my insurance company so generously allows that. Unfortunately, I can't afford that option.

I am scared. I know I need to do something and do it soon because I am losing any independence I have left. I can't bring myself to put my life in a strangers hands. I have had so many bad experiences with too many dr's to allow myself to do that. I can't afford to play Russian roulette with my leg and my life. I am sitting in limbo. I am sitting in pain. Not that the pain part is unusual but it is more pain. I can't take anymore pain. I cry myself to sleep many nights trying not to let my husband or the kids hear me. I am scared, hurting and fed up. How much are we supposed to have to deal with before we have a break down? I know my daughter senses something is wrong with me. She is acting up much more than normal. Of course this is at a time that I could not be more ill equipped to deal with it.

The insurance companies should not be allowed to just decide my fate like this. With my medical history the insurance co should pay for the dr that is most familiar with my case and my condition. I shouldn't be made to start over and hope for the best. It is not like I am somebody who just shows up with a broken leg. I have too much going on. Too much that can go wrong. The dr most familiar with my medical history should be the one to take care of me. They should pay for the dr that has the best chance of giving me some quality of life. They should have some human compassion. I know it is only a company but real people work in this company and they are dealing with real people with real problems. We don't always fit into some nice neat category or box.

Of course no one ever said life was fair or that we can live by the should haves. I and anyone who has ever been through a hardship knows that life is not fair. Life just is. You have to deal with what ever has fallen in your lap and then hope and pray that you are dealing with it in the best way possible. I just wish there was some magic eight ball that could let you know when you are doing it right. If only there was some sort of big sign that flashes in front of you saying "STOP, GO BACK, WRONG TURN, WRONG DECISION". If only.