Freedom !!!

For the last 10 yrs someone has always had to be there when ever I went out. I was on crutches in the beginning and then in a wheelchair later on. Because of the RSD and the Fibromyalgia (that is a whole other story for anyone who does not know what it is. I will post on that later), arthritis & carpal tunnel syndrome(I know I have a lot wrong with me. I used to be somewhat healthy but once RSD set in so did a lot of other things) someone had to push me on my bad days and on my good days they had to be near. I tend to over do things when I finally feel like going out. I just kept going and all of a sudden I wouldn't be to push the wheelchair another inch. If I tried to move no matter how short the distance I felt like I would die, I knew I would die. Right there in the middle of Wal-mart I would be found dead if I tried to push myself even an inch (sounds very melodramatic I know but to me it was real. very real). My body felt like it was just shutting down. I would be stuck wherever that happened to be until my husband Joe or one of my kids would realize I was missing and have to come looking for me. My husband got me a cell phone and now when this happens all I have to do is call in the Calvary (unless of course there was no signal in that particular spot, then I have to sit and wait till I was found). Finding me in a store requires something like the game Marco-polo. I don't know how many times I would be stuck in a section of the store and would sit there and cry until someone would find me. I felt helpless, like a baby. I hated it.

I hated feeling helpless so much that it got to the point where I didn't want to go anywhere anymore so I just stayed home and this way I wasn't a burden to my family, especially my husband or an embarrassment to my kids (no, they never said I embarrassed them but I always felt like I did. I was a kid once too and I know how other kids can be when you are not just like everyone else. Having to push your mother through a store is NOT being like everyone else). I could not go out and just get my errands done. I had to pick 1 or 2 things I needed to do the most and that was all. If I tried anymore I paid the price for the next 4 days or so. This made things hard on my husband. I can't drive and haven't been able to since my accident, so after working a full day and driving over and hour each way to and from work I would need to go out. I had to go out more often to get everything done since I couldn't do it all in one trip. Not only did I pay the price for just going out, I felt guilty for making my husband have to go out so often. I didn't want to do this to him so a lot of the things that I wanted to do for me, like go to the craft store during a big sale I would just not mention to him and cross it off my list. I would just do the "have to" things and not the "want to" things. It got to the point where Joe was doing most of the shopping himself. It just became too hard on me and on him having to come home, get me, load me, the kids and my wheelchair up, drive to the store, unload me, the kids and my wheelchair, play numerous games of Marco-polo to find me. Many times Joe would be pushing me and pulling the shopping cart with our daughter in it. When it was time to leave he would have to load me, the kids and my wheelchair up, load the groceries up, drive home and do everything all over again. That was only if I went to just one store. How he managed going out with me as much as he did is beyond me. It seems more like he was performing an Olympic feat than a shopping trip.

Christmas shopping or Birthday shopping for my husband became a challenge because he was always there. He would see something on the check out counter and make comments like "why are you getting these?"or "who is this for?". That is when I discovered shopping on the internet, at least for all his presents. I have done 85% of my Christmas shopping online for the past 2 yrs. What a life saver, literally, for my husband and myself. The only problem with this is that I was not getting out of the house anymore. In a lot of ways I was happy about that. I know that it was unhealthy for me to lock myself away in the house but I just didn't care. I couldn't even get myself dressed most days so going out was just too much on me. Our house became my haven, I spend 90% of my time in my recliner in the living room. To me it seemed the perfect option, my husband could rest when he got home from work, the kids wouldn't have to push me or be embarrassed by me and I wouldn't "pay the price" for the next 3-4 days.

We finally got the answer to some of our going out problems. I just got an electric wheelchair...... WoooHooo!!!! I never thought I would be excited over something like this but boy am I ever. The first day out with it I was able to get through 2 big stores on my own!!!! Yippe !!!! One of those stores was my craft store that I was always crossing off my list of things to do. The only phone calls between my husband and myself on that trip was Joe calling me to find out where I was. I never realized how much freedom I had lost until I got a piece of it back. I can't explain how good it feels to be able to get through a store on my own after not being able to do it for almost 10 yrs. It was like being given back a little piece of myself. I want a much larger piece back but I will take whatever I can get.

I was real worried how I was going to get my daughter to the school bus next year and all the other things I am going to need to do with her as she gets older. This wheel chair has given me the freedom to take care of her. I know now that when that bus comes for my daughter I will be able to be there for her like a real mother. I was getting real worried how I was going to get her back and forth to the bus stop. I wasn't coming up with any ideas on how I was going to manage this. I was even considering home schooling her just so I wouldn't have to deal with the whole bus issue.

This wheelchair has given some of my freedom back but it has also added some problems too. I can't use it in the rain so if it even looks like it is going to rain, I have to use the regular chair. I can't use my cell phone when I am in the wheelchair. If I do it will destroy the insides of the phone somehow. It is big and heavy so it has to be taken apart and put back together everytime I use it. If we are just going inside a store for a short time or it is a small store then I use the regular chair. It is just too much work for Joe to have to go through all that for a 10-15 min trip. We need to carry both chairs when we go out because of all this and that takes up a lot of room in the car. This chair has given me back some freedom back but like everything in life it costs too.